Running
Starting with helping with the Beginner’s Clinic on Saturday, I’m finally getting some miles in after the Country Music Half. I’m up to almost 11. In my defense, not only was I completely wiped after the race, I got the lovely pleasure of having oral surgery last Monday to have a tooth removed due to an infection surrounding a crown and/or root canal (I honestly can’t remember which tooth had the root canal a couple of years ago and which just got a crown). I ended up letting them put me under – the surgeon said he *would* do it without putting me under, but he wanted to warn me that in his experience he was never able to get the area numb enough when there was an infection like that – and that the needles would probably hurt more going in. I’ve got a pretty high pain tolerance (which can be bad as I don’t always recognize something that’s a problem until it’s a problem). I’m fine now (I think…now my upper gum hurts…and it feels weird where the tooth was…but I’m due to see my regular dentist soon), and so Saturday I started getting miles in.

I’m feeling better now, and like Brooklyn might actually happen. In the days just after Nashville, I was seriously considering my first ever DNS (Did Not Start) with that one. I was just so tired and wiped out. Nashville took a lot out of me with the constant hills (I swear even though I lived there for a while, I had no clue it was that hilly. You really never get that stuff unless you run I guess) and the rain. I even asked a running club teammate Bernie if it would hurt the team worse (it’s a points race, so participation is important) if I started and dropped out (which would be my first ever DNF – Did Not Finish), and she just advised me to do what’s right for me. I told her honestly I would play it by ear. A start is looking more possible now, but I’m not committing to anything yet.

School
Observation completed successfully.

Walk through happened on Monday. Haven’t heard anything yet, but I think it went ok.

Field Day was scheduled for tomorrow, but because of rain the fields are muddy so it’s postponed until next week.

Church
I’m struggling with how to explain this whole thing… If you’re religious, you might get it. If you’re not, I don’t know…

One of my friends in seminary used to never say coincidence. She would say “God-incidence” – meaning that there was a reason to the seemingly random things that all fit together. Like, God leading you to things even when you didn’t see it. And I really think that’s what’s going on here. I liked the first church I visited in this new journey all right. The people who I did meet were nice enough. But I really felt strongly that I wasn’t supposed to go back for a second Sunday…at least not yet. So I ended up at the second one on the list I’d sent my dad (I sent him the websites of the reconciling congregations in NYC, and he assumed they were in an intentional order – they weren’t, it was almost alphabetical). And honestly? I haven’t felt that welcome and that…that home and safe in a church since I walked into St. Thomas Dupont Circle in DC (another random thing that happened because I was too late to go to the other Episcopal church in that area). Yes, at Holy Apostles I made friends with some people, but overall I realize now that I never really felt “home” there. It was close…it was like…I don’t know…like summer camp? I liked it a lot, or parts of it, but ultimately I knew I’d be going home. Does that make sense? (I told you I was having trouble explaining it.)

And then all the Rev. Ogletree stuff was like WHAM in the news, and there’s one of the pastors at my likely new church right there in the news as well. And then I read her response on the Huffington Post website, and stuff just seems to all make sense. Why I was led there. At this particular time. And it explains a lot…but I’m not going to subject you to all those rambling musings. Yet.

So last night rather than go to Taize at the first church, I opted to go to Bible Study at the second. Yes, I was nervous about it – I wasn’t sure what I was walking into. I found out they had been studying a book and were at the last chapter. But I was welcomed so warmly and assured that I really didn’t have to have read the book to participate. And they were right. I wasn’t lost at all – in fact, I was able to slide right in and participate as if I’d been there all along.

Definitely going back on Sunday.

Family Trip!!!!
We’re getting closer and closer to our family trip to celebrate my parents’ 45th anniversary! We are checked into the Dream!!! (You do that online early and then you can book excursions or ship-board activities – I’ve already booked a bamboo massage!!)

Here’s what I know is happening…
Friday, July 5, I fly into Orlando International and we spend the night at a Hampton Inn in Orlando.
Saturday, July 6, we drive…somewhere. Andrea and I have not been told this part of the trip. But clearly it’s within driving distance of Orlando.
Wednesday, July 10, we drive to Port Canaveral from wherever and spend the night in a Country Inn & Suites.
Thursday, July 11, we board the Disney Dream for a 3-night cruise where we are staying concierge level. Whee!!
Sunday, July 14, we dock and disembark at Port Canaveral. I fly home that evening. (Boo!)

I’m super excited about it!! I need to get some shorts and/or capris, and a few tops, but overall I’m in pretty good shape for it.

So… I think that’s about it for the moment. LOL. Told you it would be random!!

And when I was coming to grips with my sexuality, one part of what made the thought of telling my parents so hard was that at the time (and by “at the time” i mean less than 10 years ago!) was thinking that in living out who I truly was, I was killing that dream. (The other hard part was all the stories you hear of parents who are uber supportive of gay rights until it’s their child. But I didn’t need to worry.)

Two years ago, I called my daddy after the Pride Run (because news came too late to call, and I had to be at the race too early to call) and greeted him with “Well, if I ever find someone and I’m still in New York, your dream CAN come true!!” That was my way of telling him Marriage Equality had just passed in New York.

He is currently working hard with his church to try and get it to become a reconciling congregation. They’re pretty much seen as such – indeed they have a reconciling Sunday School class – but without making that statement, without writing their welcoming statement and voting as a church to officially become one, it will only be via word of mouth and they as a congregation will not be listed on the RMN website.

When General Conference (the overall governing body for the United Methodist Church) met and failed to make any movement on LGBTQ issues, and when it seemed there was some strong resistance to the reconciling movement at his church, daddy gave some serious thought to leaving the United Methodist Church, which would mean relinquishing hie deacon’s orders (he still holds the title though he’s retired). I told him then – and I’d tell him now – that I don’t want him to do anything to jeopardize his pension as I know he and mom depend on that. Ultimately he has decided to remain and keep working for the reconciling movement.

And yet, I know that if I were to meet someone and we were to move into a relationship and desire to be married, right now any United Methodist minister or deacon (as deacons can perform a marriage ceremony) is potentially subject to disciplinary action by canonical trial. In I believe every single one of the cases brought forward, the minister who performed the ceremony had been defrocked and essentially lost it all materially. I don’t know if that applies to a deacon (retired or no) who walks his daughter down the aisle…I don’t know if that has come up in a trial yet.

But the bottom line is I have no doubt my daddy would do whatever I needed for him to support me if the time ever comes.

Which is why it breaks my heart to read this article from the New York Times. (Also see this article from GLAAD’s blog.) Basically? The Rev. Dr. Thomas W. Ogletree, a United Methodist pastor and the retired Dean of Yale Divninty School, and a scholar specializing in Christian Ethics, presided over the marriage of his gay son. He has five children – two of whom are gay, and his lesbian daughter was married in a non-Methodist ceremony in Massachusetts. I love his quote about his response to his son’s request to perform the ceremony.

“I was inspired,” Dr. Ogletree said. “I actually wasn’t thinking of this as an act of civil disobedience or church disobedience. I was thinking of it as a response to my son.”

Wow!

One of the people charging Dr. Ogletree wanted Dr. Ogletree to “apologize and never perform such a ceremony again” – which Dr. Ogletree refused. Another great quote…

“I said, this is an unjust law,” he recalled telling Mr. Paige. “Dr. King broke the law. Jesus of Nazareth broke the law; he drove the money changers out of the temple. So you mean you should never break any law, no matter how unjust it is?”

The United Methodist Church – as it often does…if you’ve ever seen the denominational light bulb joke, the UMC response is right on – is contradictory on how it views LGBTQ individuals. While it sees us as loved and valued children of God who are welcome to participate in church activities, it also says that our “lifestyle” is “incompatible with Christian teaching”. And many United Methodist churches have door mats and bulletins and such that use the “official” slogan of “Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors” while not being truly open to all God’s children.

As the Times article says,

“The result is contradictory, Dr. Ogletree said. ‘The church’s official motto is open minds, open hearts, open doors, even though our rules on same-sex marriage contradict that claim,’ he said.

“Professor Ogletree is now working with Methodists in New Directions, a New York group that is part of a growing movement to change the church’s rules. More than 1,100 United Methodist clergy members — of about 45,000 in the nation — have expressed a willingness to perform same-sex ceremonies, even if it means they may face suspension or censure. But the issue is creating a deep rift with the church’s evangelical, conservative wing, which is being bolstered by the spread of the 12-million-member denomination internationally into Africa and Asia.”

While he is retired, so the consequences would be relatively minor, Dr. Ogletree made a conscious choice to stand up for love, to stand up for what he believes (and clearly I agree) is right. And while he was making a conscious statement for love by doing it, he was primarily being a father and showing a father’s love to a child who simply asked his dad to perform his wedding ceremony.

And I have little doubt my own daddy would do the same if I asked him to.

Such is a father’s love.

Well, since then I’ve been to two of the churches I found on the Reconciling Ministries Network site.

One I’ve been to three times – twice to a Taize service, which I do really enjoy and once to a Sunday morning service which…well, it had aspects I liked, but it was almost a little too loose liturgically for me. I’m not saying I necessarily want a church that follows a liturgy in lockstep, but I do like some consistency from one service to another, and I’m not sure how much of that I’d get at this one. It also does concern me a little that there’s only one pastor, and while yes the pastor should be the spiritual leader of the congregation, it feels a little like other churches I’ve visited where the church’s identity is so tied to that of the pastor when s/he leaves the church itself goes through something of an identity crisis. It’s hard to say…it was their Earth Day celebration, so things revolved around that. But they did have Holy Communion that day and honestly I’m not sure I ever heard the words of institution (“This is my body… This is my blood…”) that I understood were kind of a big deal in celebrating Holy Communion. People were generally welcoming to me there – but in a general sense and pretty much only after I’d introduced myself at the end of the service and then it was really only one person. Once a month they do have this thing called “Second Date” where they meet specifically with newcomers after the service – it’s on the second Sunday of the month (hence the name), and initially my intention had been to go next week and go to that (of course I also realized that with it being Mother’s Day, I might get yet another “non-traditional” service, making it difficult for me to get a feel for what this congregation is like on any “regular” Sunday…if they even have such a thing there). It’s technically the closest to me…but logistically I also have to recognize that there’s really only one way for me to conveniently get there – and that involves subways that very often are rerouted or shut down on the weekends. There is potentially one alternative, but it’s one that would take a lot longer. It’s something to think about at the very least – races will occasionally cut into Sunday morning worship, if subway repair adds to that… Yeah…

This morning I decided to go to another one I’d found on the RMN site. Initially I’d had it kind of at the bottom of my list until I read more of the staff bios and found that the head pastor wasn’t just someone who calls himself a Bishop (you see that a lot around here with storefront churches) but is in fact a retired Bishop of the United Methodist Church. I’ve walked past the building a lot and it’s one that I’ve often wondered about. I initially went today with the intention of going back to the first one next week (I try to not go two weeks/times in a row when I’m in a visiting stage but go maybe every other week with a different church in between – just my own thing…though I’m not totally tied to it as you’ll see in a moment). I really like a lot of what I see on their website – and I’ve loved what I’ve read on their Pastors’ Blog. This one does have an added advantage in that there are multiple ways I can get there via subway, and the odds of ALL of them being down on a weekend are pretty slim. It may seem like a silly thing, but when you don’t have a car, it’s something to consider. Well, I got into Manhattan a little early, so I went to Starbucks to get some coffee – they specifically mention that they have coffee and you’re welcome to help yourself to a cup and find a seat, so I figured Starbucks would be fine, and it was. Pretty much as soon as I walked in the door, I was warmly greeted by a woman who gave me a bulletin, told me I could sit anywhere, and showed me where the restroom was. I found a seat about midway up the aisle and settled in. At least 10 people spoke to me as they went to their seats. The service has a lay leader who handles most all of the announcements and serves as kind of the MC for the service. It opened with a hymn, a Call to Worship, and a Statement of Faith (in the UMC they use several in addition to the traditional Apostles’ Creed or Nicene Creed) – in this case it was the Statement of Faith of the Korean Methodist Church. Then there was a time for silent meditation and some words (given today by a student pastor) to ponder. Then there was an anthem that I was familiar with sung by their choir – their choir of like SIX people who sounded amazing and like a full-on choir of 30 or more. Then there was a time when all newcomers are invited to stand and introduce themselves. I did – just my name and where I’m from. After that was the Passing of the Peace, which was definitely exuberant, but I genuinely felt very much welcomed by everyone there. The student pastor, and the other (not the Bishop) pastor as well as one of the Ministers in Residence made it a point to get to me (and I noticed each of the other newcomers whether local or visiting), and the Bishop did his best but didn’t quite make it to everyone before it was time to be seated. There was a scripture reading and then the sermon. The Bishop delivered it and the ironic (or not?) thing is that while it was titled “More Than A Sleep Over,… Home”, it really made me feel at home. It felt comfortable and yet challenging – just what I like…stepping outside of boundaries while still feeling safe and “at home”. He not only used scripture, he used cultural references, but in a natural way, not in a “look how hip I am” kind of way. And honestly, who can’t smile at a retired United Methodist Bishop with an earing?!?!? Then came the offertory and some instrumental music. The hymn that brought up the offering was one that is super familiar to me. (Are we seeing a theme here?) Then it was time for communion, and while there wasn’t necessarily a formula that was followed, the words I’ve always been taught are integral to a celebration of Holy Communion were there and it followed the basic outline. When it was time for the Lord’s Prayer, they say (both in bulletin and out loud) “in the language and style of your choice”, and everyone says it quietly in their own space. That was really far more moving than I’d anticipated. Communion was in stations and was pretty typical – by intinction (dipping the bread in the grape juice). And there were hymns sung during that – again, all familiar ones to me. After, there were several announcements (including the fact that NYC does in fact have a CROP walk, and this church will be participating!), then a closing hymn and a sending forth. After that, people who want can go and pray at the altar while the postlude is played. I opted to stay in my pew and pray, and when I looked up, this is what I saw

In spite of it being gorgeous outside, the light had not fallen across the cross like that before that moment.

Uh…yeah. Signs much??

The female pastor talked with me as I was leaving – she already had my newcomer card in her hand and said she’d be in touch. They mention on their website and a couple of times in the service that if you’re local and new to the church, one of the pastors will take you to coffee, which is pretty cool in and of itself (though totally not a part of my decision making process). I spoke with the Bishop on my way out as well, and he remembered that I was from Brooklyn – he got the Clif Notes version (raised a UMC PK, etc.) and was like “OK, Brooklyn? PK? We’ll see you again, right?” but with a big smile on his face.

I’m not 100% there yet, but really, this place feels like it could be home – moreso than probably anywhere else since St. Thomas DuPont Circle.

So, yes, Bishop J, I think you will indeed see me again. Maybe even next week.

This month, Madelyn “drew” my name! And man did she send me yummy yums!!

Tate’s Bake Shop Chocolate Chip Cookies ~ These taste just like my mom’s cookies!! AND discovered that they’re sold at the Food Emporium!! This could be a dangerous thing!!

Terra Root Veggie Chips ~ Um, YUM! That is all!!

Archer Farms Chocolate Chunk Hazelnut Biscotti Granola ~ Madelyn said she sometimes would splurge with this for breakfast…so I did. Yummy!!

I can’t read the label (and it’s long since gone), but this chocolate with bits of honeycomb in it – Totally delicious!!!! I know what it looks like, so when I see it again, I can stock up! Especially since my magnesium is low, meaning I’m entitled and encouraged to eat chocolate in limited amounts!

And the Tomato Basil Pasta ~ I haven’t had the chance to eat this yet, but it sounds yummy!! Madelyn said it’s really good with red wine! I’ll definitely love to try it that way!!

I love foodie penpals!! It’s so much fun to get a little box of foods – some things you might have picked up, others you’ve never heard of! If you want to participate, the link is above!

I’m definitely signed up for next month!! Can’t wait!!

I flew in Thursday night, and then Friday morning Daddy and I headed to the Expo. Got my stuff, Daddy took a picture of me at the Boston tribute (though he missed getting the clock, so I’m waiting to see if it turned out from the Marathon Foto girl). I’d put in for a women’s XL, but it looked like I would be swimming in it, so I exchanged it for a L. It’s nice – white and tech (as opposed to the usual black and tech they seem to do with their other races).

front

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Because the speaker schedule got changed around, we just walked around a little and then went to lunch. I did get to meet Karen from the Penguin Runners list as she was working at the info booth – that was nice! After lunch, Daddy went to his volunteer job at the Frist (art gallery) and I went back to the expo because if I did nothing else, I wanted to go to Kara Goucher’s talk and signing!!!! I sat for a little of Frank Shotrer’s talk and most of Rod Dixon’s, and then Kara took to the stage!

When the last question was asked, I (along with several others) headed to the Nissan booth so we were in line for the signing. She was so friendly!! I said we’d run in the same race a few years ago (the NYC Half), though she was almost done before I left the park, and she laughed and said “No! But we raced together!!” She is awesome!! I’d gotten a magnet and had her sign that.

Day made!!

After, I briefly met up with Eddie and his wife Anna, then walked to the Frist to see their exhibits and wait for Daddy.

Watching the news that night, we got the bad news – though honestly, given what we’d been seeing it was expected. 100% chance of rain.

Sad face!!

Though given that I’ve been racing since Labor Day 2010 and have yet to have a race where it really rained (a few sprinkles in some Coogans, and some cold with snow on the ground, but not while it was snowing), I suppose I was due for it. Nevertheless, I gamely got my stuff ready – I was very glad I had gotten arm warmers though!!

Because we had to drive into Nashville, I was up Disney race early and ready to go. I’d put a post-it on the door so I’d remember my GenUCan and my water bottle, and that worked.

We parked, and I headed over to Centennial Park to potty and chill before getting into my corral. Mom and Daddy went I think into the Marriott to wait for the start. Once we were in the corrals, we had a moment of silence for Boston, and John Bingham had us hold up one hand in the peace sign during it. That was cool – and other than the news helicopter above it was QUIET! The national anthem was sung. And then we waited. It got past 7am and no one had moved. Mom and Daddy said they did announce there was going to be a slight delay, but I didn’t hear that in the back. Apparently (as I found out from Karen later) one of the dogs sniffed something suspicious at a car alongside the route, but it turned out to be fresh paint. Once that was cleared, we were off. Being corral 22, it was about 30 minutes before I crossed the line, but I did! Just before my corral took off, I spotted Mom and Daddy on the hill (I’d somehow gotten up into corral 21 while we were walking, not that it would have mattered because in spite of them saying things were going to be tighter in the corrals, people were all over the place (there was a woman with a 31xxx bib in our corral and a race staff member passed her and didn’t say anything; and people were entering far below their corrals and walking up). I started yelling for Daddy, but he didn’t hear me. The guy next to me was like “Is that your dad? What’s his name?” When I told him, he was like “JIM!!!” and Daddy turned and saw me. The girls on my other side said “Are those your parents? That is so cute of them!! They must really love you to come out in weather like this!!”

Once my corral was released we quickly hit the hills – constantly rolling is the best way to describe that course. There are very few if any flat spots. The entertainment along the course was good considering the weather. And there were a pretty good number of spectators out. In front of Ocean Way Studios, they were frying bacon and had a sign “Free bacon for runners!” but it was so early in the race I didn’t even want to think about it. When we were in the neighborhood where I knew Mom and Daddy were going to try to be, there were lots of people having viewing parties on their porches or under tents in their lawns. One guy was all decked out in a suit and bow tie and hat with his mimosa in hand – so southern!Saw Mom and Daddy and kept on trucking. The combination of the rain (I swear my shoes each weighed 5 pounds by the end) and wind and hills was taking its toll on me. I was so happy to get to the split, because I knew then I was almost done. And I was very glad I hadn’t opted for the full because I’m stubborn enough I would have kept going, but so relatively few people do it, it would have been a very lonely race, and I’m sure I would have had a meltdown at least once.

Finally got to the end and got my medal. Then had to walk through all the post-race food – freezing and shivering!!! – to get to the blankets. Note to Competitor – PLEASE PUT THE BLANKETS RIGHT AFTER THE MEDALS!!! Especially on a day like yesterday!! I didn’t get any of the food because I was too cold to think about anything other than the blanket. Finally got that and headed to find Mom and Daddy at our decided upon letter. Stopped by the beer tent to get my beer, and picked up an abandoned banana there. Met up with Mom and Daddy and we headed to the car. I picked up an abandoned unopened power bar on the way. We drove home, and I got a long hot shower – ice bath be damned yesterday!!

I had done it!! Final time 2:49:01 – which I’ll take for sure.

As Karen said, given the combination of conditions, I’ll be hard-pressed to find a harder half.

So I will say Competitor did a lot to prove themselves to me – but there are still some things they could improve. Besides the blankets, there were some water stops that looked almost empty and abandoned – and I’m not even the far back of the pack yet. But it was definitely a good experience all things considered.

April 7 was the Credit Union Cherry Blossom 10 Mile Run in DC.

I entered the lottery just to see and was actually selected, so yay! I took the train down on Saturday morning and went to the expo. Met up with Rick and Becca (who I was staying with) there. It was a tiny expo – but then again I’m spoiled to Disney. Ha! I did get a pair of Newtons and am slowly breaking them in. Spent the afternoon hanging out with Becca and Jack (her beagle), then we had some chicken and pasta for dinner, which was great. Went to bed with things set out for the morning.

The morning was interesting. I was up and dressed in plenty of time. I knew it was going to be a couple of hours, so I had a Larabar sample I’d grabbed at the expo, planning on my Generation U Can for the prescribed 30 minutes prior to the race. We got ready and headed out and to the Metro stop where we would catch the Metro into DC (she lives in Alexandria). As we were getting out of the car, I realized my water bottle – whose hand strap contained my inhaler – was at her house. Luckily she lives close enough we got back there and back to the Metro before the train left. All good. Met up with Rick and headed over to bag check. It was chillier than I’d anticipated, and I hadn’t brought a throw away, so I decided I would be running with my Lulu hoodie and tie it around my waist when I warmed up. Turns out that wasn’t a problem at all – other than the sleeve hung over my number so I didn’t get a lot of pictures. Oh well. I checked my bag and we hung around for a little before heading to the corrals. We were all in the green, so no one had to fall back, which was nice. Our plan was to run together unless one of us needed to go ahead or to fall back. As we started walking, I realized I only had one bottle with me. I had checked my GenUCan in the bag. *headdesk* Luckily I had thrown a couple of gels in my iFitness belt, so I sucked one down in the corral and had one for the race.

The course itself was nice – lots of back and forth though. But that made it nice for spectators to see us multiple times without moving. I enjoyed running across Memorial Bridge a lot. Less so the “pointless other than mileage” little out and back under the Kennedy Center overhang. Hains Point was windy and pretty quiet. The weather didn’t warm up as much as they’d thought, so the trees STILL weren’t really in bloom, but that was ok. My stated goal was 1:57:12 because that would allow me (based on last year’s chart) to move up a corral at Disney. Rick and I figured out early on that our GPS watches were slightly off as several times he’d tell me we needed to slow down when mine said we were just about right. Crazy. On Hains Point, I got separated from Rick by a group walking three or four abreast (big no no guys…no more than two abreast please!), and apparently at the water station I passed him as on my way out of Hains Point I passed Erica again (she was cheering) and she said “You lost someone!” I kept going though, not knowing if he was ahead of me or behind me. As I got close to the end, I got to FINALLY see my friend Bill, who was there with his family. He snapped some pics of me, which are cute. As seems to be a trend with races, there was a little uphill at the end (note to race directors and course designers: THAT IS CRUEL!!!!), but I pushed it as much as I could. Crossed the finish and went to my phone to see what that said as I had signed up for runner tracking (FREE – please to note Competitor Group, in a race that costs LESS than your races, unlimited runner tracking was provided for FREE!) and also to see if Rick had finished. He hadn’t so I waited in the finish area for him. We chatted a bit once he did, then I went to find Becca. After showers and stuff at her place, we hit the Dubliner for food (OMG YUM!!!!!) and then I went over to Union Station to wait for my train back.

Oh yeah, my time? 1:58:13. So slightly over my goal, but I felt great and strong, so I’ll take it. Also Disney has a new chart, and my pace was enough to allow me to put down a quicker marathon time and hopefully jump up a corral. Yay!!

Then the next Sunday was the More/Fitness Women’s Half Marathon.

This one was a “registration accident” in that I had no intention of doing it and then suddenly I was signed up. Haha! Anyway, two laps of Central Park going counterclockwise – meaning UP Cat Hill twice and up what I think is the harder side of the Harlem Hills twice.

Oy!

Add to that the fact that I was scheduled at the store until 1am and the potential for disaster was there. But my friend Tara let me use her apartment, which was AWESOME! Saturday I got to meet up with Amanda, who is really cool. We’d hoped to meet up Sunday, but that didn’t end up happening.

After getting some sleep (which would have been impossible had I had to come back to Brooklyn), I got up and dressed and headed out to the park. And realized halfway there that my GenUCan was still sitting in Tara’s fridge. Really? Two weeks and races in a row???? So it was a quick stop at Starbucks to get some food in me. And I had a pack of Clif Shot Blocks, so things all worked out.

The race is a women’s only thing, and it was really cool to be in that environment – like the Mini, but more. And it happened to fall on the weekend of my college reunion, so I really felt like I was carrying all my Converse sisters in my heart. I started out and tackled Cat Hill no problem – shot that cat Merida-style. Harlem Hill was tougher, but I toughed it out. Saw Elyse on the west side of the park, and she was great encouraging me.

This race does get some elites in it on occasion, and this year Deena Kastor was running it. It’s cool enough to run a race knowing that you’re running in the elite’s footsteps (a la the NYC Half, the NYC Marathon, Chicago, etc.). But it’s doubly cool that since a half in Central PArk means two loops, if you’re the right pace, you’ll actually get to SEE the elites running! And I did!! For about 5 yards, I was running right next to Deena Kastor!!! Incidentally, she went on to not only win the race but set a new course record!

The second lap was harder, but I toughed it out up Cat Hill – another Merida-style shooting of the cat. Haha! Harlem Hills…well, they won that round. But I recovered on the downhill bit, and Elyse – who was still there – said I was looking amazingly strong. For some reason I had my Half PR wrong in my head, so when I finished, I wasn’t sure if I had a PR or not. Until I looked up my half PR and discovered that not only did I have a PR, it was a PR by almost three minutes!!

New Half Marathon PR? 2:37:09!!!

I ended up loving both of these races and plan to sign up for the More and enter the lottery for the Cherry Blossom next year!

(And my parents have been informed that their main job this weekend is to make sure that I leave the house with my GenUCan and I leave the car with my GenUCan since they’re my bag check. Haha!!)

So much has changed – we’re less innocent than we were before. We know we’re vulnerable, our families and friends who cheer us on are vulnerable.

And yet, we go on.

The Run for the Parks was held in Central Park on Sunday. More security, clear bags only at gear check, limited access to the porta-potties…but the race went on.

I was there to get the NYRR I run for BOSTON shirt my friend Scoops had picked up for me and to cheer on her and all the other racers. I didn’t see the stage the runners saw, but Scoops took a picture of it – there was a clock reading 4:09:43 with the BAA flag hanging from it. The national anthem was sung by a NY-based singer who was raised in Hopkinton and remembers playing on the course with her high school band. She held it together amazingly well until about the last third when I heard her voice cracking. At that point I lost it. I often say I was apparently absent the day they handed out the patriotic genes, but I was teary-eyed at the beginning. Then they started the race – filled with runners in the I run for BOSTON shirts and other Boston colors and gear – to Sweet Caroline. While I was cheering and watching and crying, I felt a wet nose nuzzle my hand. I looked down and saw this cutie…

His name is Norman. I petted him for a while (his Dad was right there waiting for Norman’s Mom to pass before going to the finish) – my own personal comfort dog. They headed to the finish and I waited for Scoops to come by, then I headed to the finish. I went a longer way, but when I approached the finish stretch, who came trotting over to me but Norman!! I <3 him!! His dad said he actually is training to be a therapy dog. He will definitely be good at it!

I cheered all the Front Runners I saw go by, including Scoops, and once she passed I went to the finish area to meet up with her briefly – it was chilly and as I had her clear bag, I knew she hadn't checked anything. She said there was a suspicious package around Mile 3.5 – a backpack and a box, I'm unclear on which order – and there was massive police presence around it, but she just turned on the gas and kept going towards the finish.

It was great to really feel like a part of the larger running community being there. Selfishly I hope that my emotions at the start will help contain them in my race on Sunday so that I can start out under control. The x-factor I think for me will be the finish line. Yes, I saw thousands cross it on Sunday, even some audibly sobbing, but I didn't experience that. I'm sure it will be more emotional than usual.

Still, I'm looking forward to it, and I will be rocking Nashville in Boston colors!

(I was going to finally upadte about the Cherry Blossom, the More/Fitness Women's Half, and other life things, but this entry just kind of took over. Those will come later. I've got three weeks of free evenings! Hee!!)

All of my friends who were running, cheering or volunteering are accounted for and safe, even the ones who were very close to the explosions. And for that I am extremely thankful. I pray for all involved and their families. I cannot imagine a day of joy and celebration of life and accomplishment turning so quickly into a day of terror – or I could not until now.

I first heard the news as I was getting ready to enter the subway to go to my part-time job, and there was no way I could just stay where I was. That was honestly the longest 45 or so minutes of my life so far, wanting desperately to know what was going on and if my friends were ok and having no way to know because of the lack of cell service.

Well, I guess angry is also a word I can use right now.

Heartbroken and angry.

While I came to it later in my life – indeed I’m less than three years old as a runner – running has become one of my safe places. One of my havens. Something I can go to when I’m stressed, sad, happy…just my overall place of release. And it feels like someone violated it today, even if I wasn’t running. For someone to commit an act of such horror at such an icon of running…it makes me angry.

But it’s not going to stop me. Just like the creep who followed me on the subway last summer didn’t stop me. Just like the random attacks in the parks where I run haven’t stopped me. I’m currently registered for two half marathons, two 10Ks, one 5-miler, and two full marathons, and I fully intend to run every one of them and celebrate every moment while carrying the victims of today’s horror in my heart. I know they wouldn’t want us to stop running – if we stop, the perpetrator of this disgusting act wins.

The running community is strong and we will rise. This will not stop us.

I know I’ll be searching tomorrow for some new clothes, and I plan to run the Rock’n'Roll Country Music Half Marathon in Nashville in Boston blue and yellow. And I would love for others to join me – whether they’re running Nashville or anywhere else. I would love to see a sea of yellow and blue in all the races going on in the next few weeks as a tribute and as a sign of the strength of our community.

So yes, I’m determined and I will run on. But I’m also still confused and heartbroken at everything. Because I work part-time at the Disney Store, I had to put on a happy face, and I did. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the subway, and so I held it together pretty well there. But as soon as I walked into my building, I was finally able to release the sobs I’ve been holding in all day. And I turned to one of my other safe havens – music.

When I saw the recent revival of Godspell, I was struck by a song that was in the movie but not the original Broadway production. At the time it struck me as eerie how it plays in a post-9/11 world, how apropos it seemed. And that’s where I went tonight on my way home. I simply put it on repeat. And I offer it here via youtube…

We runners CAN build and indeed ARE a beautiful city. We are strong, and we will rise. This will not stop us!

Everyone involved is in my heart and my prayers right now and will remain there. I will be wearing a race shirt tomorrow and yellow and blue in Nashville. And I will dedicate every step of that race to the victims of this horrific event.

I may be slow, but I am a runner.

I will run on, and step by step, my heart will heal.

Step by step, the running community will heal. We will rise!

My sending-to-me match was Bethany!

And here is the fun food she sent me!

The Just Apples were fantastic!

The Cheese Bites put cheese nips to shame! Even though I don’t have to be gluten-free, I’ll definitely put those on my shopping list!

The jelly beans are pomegranate and very yummy! I might get some of those to carry on a race sometime!

The things in the little ziplock bag are Bethany’s own creation – olive oil and garlic roasted chick peas. So, so good!! (If you don’t want something homemade, you can let your match know that. But I didn’t mind.)

And the chocolate is to die for!! So yummy!! Another thing to definitely put on my shopping list for an occasional treat!

Your box also includes something handwritten – in my case it was a cute note explaining what the things were.

Thank you Bethany!! I loved all the food!!!

I had a lot of fun putting my box together – Andrea’s a reader, not a blogger, so she may do a guest post on my blog or not. But she got some yummy goodies for sure!

I’m already signed up for April! Are you interested and want to give it a try?

Yummy goodness awaits!!

I’m writing this on Easter. I’m sitting on my bed in my pjs and a hoodie, barefoot, watching Grimm on the DVR, and eating Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken over Trader Joe’s brown rice – not in church, as I’ve been virtually every Easter of my life (exceptions largely being where I let the Easter Vigil substitute for my Easter morning service – and possibly in college, but I can’t remember).

And I’ve got mixed feelings about it.

I could have chosen to set the alarm and get up to be at church this morning (because I worked last night, the vigil wasn’t a possibility). After all, I’ve got two more days of break (only two??? *whine*) where I could get sleep. But today didn’t seem the day to start exploring options again, and I just don’t really want to go to the church I’ve called home for the past few years.

Let me explain… I apologize if this gets long…I’m really trying to work through this, and I do that best by rambling apparently.

The history…
I grew up for all intents and purposes a PK – a preacher’s kid. My dad wasn’t ordained until I was in college or later, but he worked in the United Methodist Church as a Diaconal Minister – a lay (non-ordained) position. He was in charge of Christian Education – either for everyone or specializing in youth. As such, I never got to choose the church where I went. And by and large I never got a choice in going. We were expected to be up and ready to go on time. I went through confirmation class in 6th grade because it’s what was done, and I went through confirmation largely because I didn’t want it to look bad on my dad if I decided not to. I did love my experiences at church camp, and I loved the early years in youth group. Then in my late high school years (I think it was junior and senior year…though I could have had to deal during my sophomore year before I had my license), my dad stopped being in charge of the youth program and someone else was hired. Gary was someone who never really left the 60s, and the couple he brought in as counselors for my group (long story, but basically we lost the couple we’d had for most of our youth group experience, and it was not handled wall) had definitely never left the 60s. I hated going to youth group as I never felt I got anything out of it. I kept protesting, and finally my junior year when I could drive, I was given permission to leave after youth choir rehearsal and skip youth group. It wasn’t much, but it was a bit of independence.

In college, I didn’t have a car. I didn’t want to go to the Presbyterian church that was in walking distance – I knew I didn’t really want to be Presbyterian. The United Methodist Church that was within walking distance and could have had a fantastic college outreach if they’d chosen to, chose not to. Plus it was a little electric organ (ew…music IS important to me). And I think the couple of Sundays I tried it, I brought the median age to around 80. Friends who drove went to the Baptist church, and I think I went once with one of them, but that definitely wasn’t for me. So I pretty much let the Student Christian Association be my church – until I gave even that up because I didn’t like the direction it was taking. I’ve never really been the happy-slappy kind of girl when it’s not balanced with deeper stuff. So really I didn’t have “church” in college beyond when I went home – and since we moved right after my high school graduation, I never really felt at home at the church where my family was going.

Ironically it was the first church we’d been able to choose because while Daddy was working for a church organization, he was not based in a church. So after looking around at various United Methodist churches in Nashville, we settled on Belmont UMC. We all agreed as a family that it was the right fit, and I just attributed my not really feeling at home there to my short time before beginning college. After college, I went more regularly – sang in the choir, joined a Sunday School class…generally did what I could to be involved and a part. But the cracks soon started showing. The class was quickly becoming “couples on this side, the few singles on that” and I didn’t want that. I was going simply for choir, and eventually that was wearing on me as I wasn’t getting anything out of the services and was just there to sing.

My parents were very open to letting me look at other churches, and it didn’t take long for me to find the Episcopal Church. I found Christ Episcopal Church and went for the rest of the Spring and Summer (I think I started around Palm Sunday, but I may be off on that), and in the fall I joined the class that would lead to confirmation, and I was confirmed at the Easter Vigil in 1995. I helped out with the class the following year, and began looking at seminaries with the intent on working in Christian Education in the Episcopal Church. I loved the traditions and the whole three-legged stool approach in the Episcopal Church where our reason and ability to think for ourselves was every bit as important as scripture and tradition. We didn’t just blindly accept things, we were allowed and encouraged to think through things and decide what we believed. Yes, there is the Creed that is said every Sunday – but I really felt I’d found a home when my priest even said that there were times SHE wasn’t really sure she believed everything in the Creed – and that that’s where the community came in…to hold us up until we can stand on our own again.

I went to Virginia Theological Seminary to study Theology and Christian Education. There I was exposed to all different kinds of Episcopalians from the most conservative (as in still opposed to women in ministry) to the most liberal. After graduation, I started working in Raleigh where I focused on youth first and then gradually more of the children’s stuff as well. I loved youth ministry and after a few years found a job in the Chicagoland area focusing solely on youth. It was during that time I was introduced to the New Beginnings and Happening communities – that’s where yes, there was some happy-slappy stuff, but there was also depth and room to explore. And so much love. I felt so at home doing those events. That job ended due to budgetary reasons, and I was looking for another job.

I found one, ironically enough, at a United Methodist Church in northern Virginia. I wasn’t out yet, but I’d had discussions with Daddy about the UMC’s position on homosexuality (basically “we love you as people, but your life isn’t compatible with our teachings”) while having “Open Minds, Open Hearts, Open Doors” as their denominational “catch phrase”. But from my interviews, this church seemed like a good fit. It became obvious pretty early on that there was a core group (financially core, let me be clear) of very ultra-conservative people with whom I would always be in conflict. And in less than 9 months, I was tendering my resignation. (This whole time really launched the process that led to me finally coming out to myself – and everyone else.)

Once again, I was able to find a church, and I happened upon one that quickly became my church home in the DC area. I hated leaving it when I moved to NYC, but I figured in a place this big I’d surely find a church home. I tried one church that had a wonderful inter-sensory modern and yet ancient service on Sunday nights, and I loved it. And then almost immediately after I joined, the priest who had been responsible for that service left and the service was put on semi-permanent hiatus. The regular service was way too corporate (as in business-like) for me, so I looked around again. Found my most recent (and technically still current) church home, and it seemed like a great fit.

And then that rector left and a search began. I was hopeful with the new guy that was hired, and things seemed ok for a while, but over the last year things have been changing in ways that I just can’t get behind. I haven’t been in at least a couple of months, and other than missing seeing some friends, I don’t miss the church at all. It doesn’t feel like home any more. The priests I’d grown to love aren’t there any more. There’s a deacon who makes me want to hold up a huge COEXIST sign every time he preaches, there’s a priest doing the Hispanic ministry who occasionally preaches though his accent is so thick I can’t understand a word he says, so those sermons are lost on me. The emailed newsletter was enough to tell me I didn’t want to bother as virtually every week was a guest speaker. I know that the church is more than the leadership, but it’s not the parish I joined anymore, and I don’t feel at home there. Even while hanging wit friends, I feel like an outsider in the general congregation.

Which brings me to today. Sitting home on Easter, and pondering where I go from here.

I know that I don’t need a church to “prove” my belief. I can pray on my own, I can be spiritual on my own – long runs outside, whether in the park or along the water can definitely be spiritual experiences. And I know that the church is more than just the building and trappings (“the church is not a building; the church is not a steeple; the church is not a resting place; the church is the people” – remember that song?), but let’s face it, the expression of a faith community’s beliefs and how they live out their faith do play a big part. I do think that it does help to have a community in which to worship. That community to hold you up in their faith until you are more sure again. That community to share things with. That structure to build upon.

And I do want to find a faith community I can call home. It’s nice to have the freedom to choose, especially after not being able to for so many years. I find it kind of ironic that, while I never fell into the “typical” PK role (see the Lifetime show “Preacher’s Daughters” for those stereotypes) growing up, I seem to be having my reaction to “freedom to choose” by being perhaps ultra picky about where I call my faith home. Theoretically, everything is a possibility – well, for me everything within a Christian tradition as I don’t want to change religions.

I know what I don’t want – that’s pretty easy, and that sets some boundaries from the get-go. I feel like I’ve been to the Episcopal Churches that interest me (well, there’s one I’d be interested in, but they are in a search process, and I don’t want to join during that time as things can change once the new person is in place) in the NYC area. And I’m not really wanting to revisit any I’ve been to before – there was a reason they didn’t feel like home before. I know what denominations I don’t want.

And ironically, that puts me back at the United Methodist Church. Well, certain congregations. Reconciling congregations – those that have statements they live by that openly accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. They work to change the church’s stance on homosexuality. They work for the full inclusion of all people in the church. I know about them because Daddy is working with the church he and Mom attend (and where he used to work) on the Reconciling Ministries Committee. They are undergoing the process where the congregation will eventually vote on and hopefully approve a welcoming statement and become part of the Reconciling Ministries Network. So I know sort of where to begin looking – the RMN website.

I’ve found one I want to visit – though it’s a little awkward as I’ll be gone next Sunday, racing the one after that, here for one (though possibly meeting with my trainer…I have to see if we can change the time or do it on Wednesday night), and out of town for the next. There’s another that I’ve been intrigued by, but visiting their webpage, I’m not sure it’s for me at all. And another that is further than I’d planned to travel, but I may check out. Because I do want to be part of a community – I just need to find one that fits.

And that can be challenging, especially as I’ve seen the good and the bad. I know the highs and the lows. And I’ve been on the inside, so I perhaps more easily see the cracks and potential pitfalls in groups. I know there’s a place for me…I just have to find it.

And it seems that’s going to take a big step of faith. When you’ve been hurt and burned, it’s harder to open up and really receive what a community has to give.

I know I can do it. I just have to take a deep breath, open myself up, trust… And leap.